At what age should I let my child use a computer?

– Cindy B, Internet

A kid on a computer? As soon as they can sit up straight and not drool on the keyboard or try to eat the mouse.

Seriously, you want to get your kid used to using a computer at the earliest age possible. Teach them how to use a mouse and a keyboard. Build those basic computer skills as early as you can.

Do not ignore the rest of life. You also have to rip that kid away from the computer and send them outside to play!

There is a ton of “kid” software on the market to help kids learn but most of it is junk. You don’t need any fancy art programs for your kid to use just open up a basic paint program and let them go nuts. Most of their early work will look like a bunch of scribbles from a crayon but that’s no different than what they would draw on paper with a real crayon!

If you are confusing a computer with the Internet than that is a different question.

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Anna trying out her new keyboard used under Creative Commons License from flickr user spullara

When do you give your kid a cell phone?

– Ms Q, Qmusings

When do I give a kid a cell phone? Normally when I am done with it and want them to put it on the charger for me.

What? Did I get the question wrong? Oh, you want to know about at what age you should allow a child to have a cell phone? Hmmm… Interesting question.

I personally feel that a child should never have their “own” cell phone until they are of a legal age to sign and be bound by a contract, say 18? However, sometimes it is to your benefit to give your child a cell phone to use before that age.

For one thing there is the security of knowing that no matter where they are they can call you. Of course that also means that they are free to call anyone else at any time!

I am not too worried about them calling other people though and for one simple reason; the monthly bill. Unlike your normal POTS line a cell phone bill is often itemized for every call because you are billed by the minute no matter who you call. Because of this you can look back at the month in review and see all the calls your kid made on the cell phone. Since most kids are oblivious to bills they may not even be aware of this!

Another benefit of giving a cell phone to your kid is that you can call them when you need to. Are they out too late? Call them! Do you need them to pick up some groceries for you? Call them! Has your son been bad lately? Call him and tell him to pick you up a big box of pads from the drugstore, go for the biggest pack they have!

I have no problem with giving a responsible kid access to a family cell phone as soon as they are driving or their friends are driving. Since this is the age they are likely to get themselves into trouble at I want them to know that mom and dad are only a phone call away.

Irresponsible kid? Those kids spend their teen years grounded cleaning their rooms!

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Hello Moto! used under Creative Commons License from flickr user nieve44

How do I get my kids to clean their bedroom without having to nag them?

– Blossy, Internet

When I was a young child my divorced mother used to come home in the middle of the night screaming about how the house was a mess. She would wake me and my two brothers up and force us to clean the house at that late hour. Visions of the movie Mommy Dearest would dance through my head…

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Before used under Creative Commons License from flickr user gemsling

Why do my parents always tell me to do as they say and not as they do?

– Chris F, Bismarck ND

Even I remember this one from my childhood. It usually came about when I tried to emulate something that my father did that was either dangerous or uncouth.

I know it may seem like a double standard to you but it’s not. Your parents key goal in raising you is to make you into a productive citizen. There are certain social hang-ups and failings that are ingrained into your parents that they hope not to ingrain into you.

Racism was a big problem back in the 1960’s and it has taken several generations for us to turn into a more colorblind society. There are forces on both sides of the racism debate that do not like the idea of people being colorblind but the good Dr. King wanted a colorblind society.

In order to move towards such a society parents had to try and teach their kids not to have the prejudices they themselves grew up with. This is why you may hear your parents say something bad followed by them telling you not to act in the same manner. Old habits die hard.

The other reason parents use the “do as I say not as I do” line is because they may be doing something that takes skill and they just know that if you were to try it you might hurt yourself.

As an extreme example let’s say that your father is a former boxer and he likes to work out in the home gym using a punching bag and other things. He may (or may not) want you to follow in his footsteps. Even if he does want you to become like him he may realize that the skill level he is at is so far advanced compared to where you are at that he does not want you to attempt the things he does because he knows you are not yet ready.

Most of these things will become more clear to you after you have kids of your own.

Your parents are not the enemy and they are not trying to keep you down. They just want to be sure that when you fly off and leave the nest you have the skills to make it. Even though we love our kids we don’t want to see you boomerang back into the nest after you leave!

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The joys of parenting used under Creative Commons License from flickr user jenn jenn

How do I motivate my kids to go outside and play?

– Barry L, Atlanta GA

There are different methods you can use to motivate kids to do the things you want them to do even when they themselves do not want to do those things. Being from Georgia you must be familiar with the character Tom Sawyer from the writings of Mark Twain. Do you remember a certain fence Tom had to whitewash? A job that he completed by tricking his friends into doing it for him?

One tried and true method of getting kids to do what you want is reverse psychology. You use this method by making your kid think that you do not want them to do the thing you want them to do. Nothing makes a kid want to get involved like telling them you don’t want them involved!

You do need to be careful how often you use this approach. Over use can lead to your kid figuring out what you are doing at an early age. Sometimes they just call you on it and everything is fine but other times they will not call you on it and instead begin to build a high level of distrust toward you.

The best method to get kids to do what you want them to do is to do things with them. Drag them outside with you and play a game. Chase them around the yard. Wash the car and let them get you with the hose.

The reason your kids may not be motivated to go outside is because you are not going outside. Kids learn from their parents and that includes both good and bad habits. If you are spending plenty of time outside and the kids still prefer to spend their time indoors than you might want to make indoors a little less enjoyable.

Take away TV time when it is nice outside. Make them do housework if they are just hanging around in the house. Just as you can make outside time more enjoyable by being actively involved you can also make indoor time less enjoyable by being actively involved!

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Kids playing used under Creative Commons License from flickr user MShades

What do you think is an appropriate age to talk to your kids about sex? Is the age different for boys and girls? And what are some things that should be included in the discussion?

– Lori, A Cowboy’s Wife blog

It looks like someone really wants to put dad on the spot with this one! I guess I can’t just use the old standby of, “talk to your mother,” on this one.

When the time comes for you to talk to your kids you will know. Yeah, I know that may sound like a bit of a copout but every kid is different. So, how do you know when the time is right? By paying attention.

If you pay attention to your kids you will know what things need discussing and what things can wait until another day. You do not want that first talk about sex to take place while your driving your kid to an obstetrician to find out how her pregnancy is doing. Nope, you want to have the conversation near the time when they start thinking about members of the opposite sex as potential partners. Once they go past the, “ew, boys/girls are icky” phase of childhood you know the time is right.

If you find evidence of porn on your computers the time is likely past. If you find a page torn out of a nudie magazine than the time is likely right now.

If you are looking for a ballpark figure I would have to say that the onset of puberty is the time to have the talk. You want to get your information into their head before they hit the age where everything you say is wrong.

I would also have to say that you want to talk to the girls before you talk to the boys. Part of that may be bias from my being male but the biological reality is that if a pregnancy occurs it is the female that has to suffer through it. It is also likely that if your young daughter hears that one of your friends is pregnant she is likely to be interested and begin asking questions. You do not need to be graphic at this point and you can keep it to simple concepts such as man + woman = baby until they reach about age ten.

Boys are known to hit puberty a little bit later than girls and the embarrassment of puberty changing their bodies and making them awkward is often enough to keep them from chasing the girls. You do still need to talk to them and you can take this time, while they are covered in zits, to begin to explain to them about the birds and the bees.

Until your child hits puberty you can let them lead the discussion in regards to sex. If they ask you a question give them an honest answer. Don’t try to hide things and don’t over divulge either. Odds are your child is just curious for peripheral information about relationships. When they ask about where babies come from you can tell them that they grow inside a mommies body. Some kids will ask how they got there and then you can say that daddy put them there, or something along those lines. Just be careful how you phrase it or your daughter may run away when she sees her father thinking he might put one in her!

Once a child hits puberty and begins to become more aware of their changing body and hormones you need to explain more things to them. You need to explain what the sexual organs are and what they do. You need to talk about pregnancy and “safe” sexual practices. I generally believe that the father should talk to the son about sex first and the mother with the daughter. You should then ask the child if they would like the other parent to become involved in the discussion. Kids are embarrassed enough talking about sex with their parents so they may not want both of you in the room at once. Heck, I’ve got kids of my own and I still get embarrassed talking about sex with my parents!

There are also many good books on sexuality for teenagers to read. you might consider picking one up and putting it in your bookcase for your teenager to find. Don’t just give it to them because then the whole “parents are always wrong” syndrome will kick in.

One such book is How Sex Works by Elizabeth Fenwick and Richard Walker ISBN 0-7894-0634-9. The book is from 1994 and should still be available from book stores.

If you see the book has been moved than they have likely found it and read parts of it. Wait about a week after they begin reading it and then talk to them.

Don’t forget that the sex talk should not just be about the act of sex. You also need to talk to your kids about respect and relationships. You don’t want to raise a bunch of kids who think one-night-stands are normal, do you?

This might be hard if you are not happily married but you may be able to use that in the discussion. Point out to your kids how much better times have been when you are a whole family working together as opposed to one divided. Explain to your kids that sex is just the icing on the cake of a good healthy relationship. Odds are that they will not believe you until they hit age 25 or older but you need to plant those seeds while they are young.

I have known some kids that were introduced to sex at a young age by their mother showing them a book of photographs and giving them a full course on sex and sexuality that could have been taught at a university. I also know of kids that never had the talk with their parents. For the most part, the kids who had the good open relationship with their parents came out the best in life.

That’s what it is all about, keeping the relationship alive between you and your kids. Don’t dread the sex talk with your kids as it may be one of the most important bits of information you pass on to them. Having clean underwear on in case you get in a car accident is up there too, so is the one about putting the cap back on the milk.

Here is my brief synopsis of what I wrote above:

• At what age? When they are ready. Most will be early pre-teen to early teen age.
• Different ages for boys and girls? Yes, talk to the girls first.
• What topics? Aside from the basics of what the organs are and do you also need to cover respect and how relationships work. I can not stress how important it is that kids understand that sex is a byproduct of a healthy relationship and not the opposite.

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Cleo and Fringe-Boy 2 used under Creative Commons License from flickr user orangeacid

What is the proper punishment for a child that refuses to listen?

– Jane D, Austin TX

It has been said that like kittens, who do not open their eyes until many days after they are born, children do not open their ears until many years after they are born. This may make for an amusing anecdote but it should not be used as a basis for punishment.

Many children are perfectly capable of hearing but choose to be selective in their hearing. Other children hear you fine but know that nothing bad will happen to them until you repeat yourself for the third time. We call this learned behavior.

Before you talk about punishing a child for not listening you need to look at the child’s age and the nature of the offense.

• Under 2 – Comprehension skills are low on the verbal scale but high on the visual scale. Children this age look for visual cues and the tone of your voice when deciding whether or not to listen to you. Children of this age should not be punished for not listening but should instead be given positive reinforcement.
  
  

• Ages 3 to 5 – At this age the child should be attending some form of school. Being around other children will help yours develop better communication skills which will result in better listening. You will also begin to notice that your child will listen better when a teacher or other authority figure speaks. Another thing you may notice is that your child begins to behave differently when among their peers, this is normal.

  Punishment at this age should consist of a mixture of positive reinforcement and denial of privilege. Start with the positive reinforcement and move on to the denial of privilege only after they continue to ignore you.
  
  

• Ages 6 to 10 – Now that your child is in full time school (and you have a break during the day) you should notice that some of the initial closeness you knew when they were a baby is going away to be replaced by the developing personality of your child. It is at this age when your child begins to really push the limits of your authority. Minor offenses at this age can be punished with short bits of “get in your room” time. you can also take away phone, TV, and video game privileges.
  
  

• Ages 11 and up – The body of your child is now going through the hormone phase of adolescents. If you have a done a good job up until now and still retain a place of authority in your child’s life than you may get lucky. Odds are you are screwed. Most children begin to rebel in their teen years and you suddenly go from the person who knows all to the person who knows nothing.

“How can you possibly understand what it means when Julie says to me that I now have to sit on her left side instead of her right at the lunch table in school? You don’t understand me anymore. I’m going to my room.”

– The troubles of a teenager


Because the teen years are the years when your child suddenly acquires the power to hurt themselves you need to be on your toes. Many “adult” activities are seen as a right of passage to teens. Not all adult activities either, kids tend to focus on the “glamorous” ones such as smoking, drinking and sex. I have yet to see a teenager rebel by getting a 9 to 5 job and paying taxes!

Like Leia says to Tarkin in Star Wars, the tighter your grip the more they fall out of your grasp. You need to be careful when punishing your teenager. Because they know believe they have more wisdom than Buddha you need to be sure the punishment fits the crime.

As a parent there are things you can do to keep your child in a better mood and prevent some of these bad things from happening. The first thing you need to do is look at your child objectively. Take off those rosy parental glasses and really look at your kid. I’m sure there is a nugget of gold in there somewhere but is it surrounded by lead?

• 1. Listen to your kid – You can learn a lot just by listening to what your kid is saying and observing non-verbal cues and body language.
  
  

• 2. Talk to your kid – If your child knows that they can talk to you they will. If you always come down as a hard-ass they will not feel safe in talking to you and you will be out of the loop when they have a problem.
  
  

• 3. Be hard but fair – When punishing your child be sure to make the punishment fit the crime. If you are seen as a tyrant (think Mommy Dearest and “no wire hangers”) than they will be more likely to do things behind your back.
  
  

• 4. Feed your kid – Nothing brings on the grouchies like a hungry kid. If you keep your child properly fed (not fat) many problems will be avoided.
  
  

• 5. Make the rules known – Nothing frustrates a child more than finding out (after the fact) that they broke a rule they were ignorant of. If you have household rules please make sure that everyone knows what they are.
  
  

• 6. Stand together – If you are married it is very important to put forth a united front when dealing with your child. nothing destroy marital harmony faster than allowing your child to play both parents off of each other. Even if your spouse enforces an unjust punishment you must go along with it (unless it is child abuse). If you have a problem with the punishment you need to take it up with your other half at a later time when the children are not around.

I am a firm believer in the idea of fixing a problem before it becomes a problem. Listening is one of the most important problems that needs to be solved as soon as it begins to rear its ugly head. If your child will not listen when times are good how will they listen when times are tough? What about in an emergency, will your child listen or not?

If your child has trouble listening when times are good, “I said no more cookies,” but not when times are tough, “don’t touch that it will burn you,” than you are doing great as a parent. Don’t sweat the small stuff if this is you.

If your child refuses to listen no matter what than you might want to try rephrasing your words. Instead of saying, “Don’t eat anymore cookies,” try saying, “You can have two more cookies after you do ….” Some children react negatively towards a negative statement but positively towards a positive statement.

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Punishment used under Creative Commons License from flickr user uyen.tran

Why wont my parents let me stay up late?

– Mike G, Tampa FL

Thank you for bringing this question to my attention Mike. Back when I was a young boy I often complained at how mean my parents were for not letting me stay up late to watch TV or play video games.

Back then video games were no where near as much fun as what we have today. The video game console in my house was Pong. That’s right it was Pong and it only played Pong! As for TV, you had to adjust the rabbit ears or watch what was on the one “over the air” cable channel that you had a box and a funny antenna on the roof for.

Back then there was not much worth staying up for. Today we have far more interesting (and fun) video games, a 24 hour Cartoon Network and the Internet. If I was a kid today I would put up a much bigger fight than I did back when I was a kid simply because of all the stuff to do!

In fact, one of my friends recently commented that if Pokemon existed when we were kids we would never have been so diligent in school. We would have wasted far too much time catching them all and ignored our studies.

Now that I am a father I better understand why my parents made me go to bed early. It’s not that they are trying to be mean to you but that they love you and know you.

Reasons to go to bed early
• 1. A growing body needs rest – You do most of your growing while you are sleeping. Ever wonder why you make up in the morning and your legs and feet hurt? It’s because you did some growing last night! Without adequate amounts of sleep you body will not be able to grow properly.
  
  

• 2. A tired kid is a cranky kid – Too many times I have accidentally kept my kids up too late because we got home late. The next day those kids were shot! They were tired and cranky and all together useless for anything other than sitting on the couch watching TV.
  
  

• 3. Parents need time to be alone with each other – As much as we love out kids we also love each other. Mom and dad need some time alone with each other to keep their relationship alive.

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Sleepy Subway Days used under Creative Commons License from flickr user T. Keller