What is the proper punishment for a child that refuses to listen?

– Jane D, Austin TX

It has been said that like kittens, who do not open their eyes until many days after they are born, children do not open their ears until many years after they are born. This may make for an amusing anecdote but it should not be used as a basis for punishment.

Many children are perfectly capable of hearing but choose to be selective in their hearing. Other children hear you fine but know that nothing bad will happen to them until you repeat yourself for the third time. We call this learned behavior.

Before you talk about punishing a child for not listening you need to look at the child’s age and the nature of the offense.

• Under 2 - Comprehension skills are low on the verbal scale but high on the visual scale. Children this age look for visual cues and the tone of your voice when deciding whether or not to listen to you. Children of this age should not be punished for not listening but should instead be given positive reinforcement.
  
  

• Ages 3 to 5 - At this age the child should be attending some form of school. Being around other children will help yours develop better communication skills which will result in better listening. You will also begin to notice that your child will listen better when a teacher or other authority figure speaks. Another thing you may notice is that your child begins to behave differently when among their peers, this is normal.

  Punishment at this age should consist of a mixture of positive reinforcement and denial of privilege. Start with the positive reinforcement and move on to the denial of privilege only after they continue to ignore you.
  
  

• Ages 6 to 10 - Now that your child is in full time school (and you have a break during the day) you should notice that some of the initial closeness you knew when they were a baby is going away to be replaced by the developing personality of your child. It is at this age when your child begins to really push the limits of your authority. Minor offenses at this age can be punished with short bits of “get in your room” time. you can also take away phone, TV, and video game privileges.
  
  

• Ages 11 and up - The body of your child is now going through the hormone phase of adolescents. If you have a done a good job up until now and still retain a place of authority in your child’s life than you may get lucky. Odds are you are screwed. Most children begin to rebel in their teen years and you suddenly go from the person who knows all to the person who knows nothing.

“How can you possibly understand what it means when Julie says to me that I now have to sit on her left side instead of her right at the lunch table in school? You don’t understand me anymore. I’m going to my room.”

– The troubles of a teenager


Because the teen years are the years when your child suddenly acquires the power to hurt themselves you need to be on your toes. Many “adult” activities are seen as a right of passage to teens. Not all adult activities either, kids tend to focus on the “glamorous” ones such as smoking, drinking and sex. I have yet to see a teenager rebel by getting a 9 to 5 job and paying taxes!

Like Leia says to Tarkin in Star Wars, the tighter your grip the more they fall out of your grasp. You need to be careful when punishing your teenager. Because they know believe they have more wisdom than Buddha you need to be sure the punishment fits the crime.

As a parent there are things you can do to keep your child in a better mood and prevent some of these bad things from happening. The first thing you need to do is look at your child objectively. Take off those rosy parental glasses and really look at your kid. I’m sure there is a nugget of gold in there somewhere but is it surrounded by lead?

• 1. Listen to your kid - You can learn a lot just by listening to what your kid is saying and observing non-verbal cues and body language.
  
  

• 2. Talk to your kid - If your child knows that they can talk to you they will. If you always come down as a hard-ass they will not feel safe in talking to you and you will be out of the loop when they have a problem.
  
  

• 3. Be hard but fair - When punishing your child be sure to make the punishment fit the crime. If you are seen as a tyrant (think Mommy Dearest and “no wire hangers”) than they will be more likely to do things behind your back.
  
  

• 4. Feed your kid - Nothing brings on the grouchies like a hungry kid. If you keep your child properly fed (not fat) many problems will be avoided.
  
  

• 5. Make the rules known - Nothing frustrates a child more than finding out (after the fact) that they broke a rule they were ignorant of. If you have household rules please make sure that everyone knows what they are.
  
  

• 6. Stand together - If you are married it is very important to put forth a united front when dealing with your child. nothing destroy marital harmony faster than allowing your child to play both parents off of each other. Even if your spouse enforces an unjust punishment you must go along with it (unless it is child abuse). If you have a problem with the punishment you need to take it up with your other half at a later time when the children are not around.

I am a firm believer in the idea of fixing a problem before it becomes a problem. Listening is one of the most important problems that needs to be solved as soon as it begins to rear its ugly head. If your child will not listen when times are good how will they listen when times are tough? What about in an emergency, will your child listen or not?

If your child has trouble listening when times are good, “I said no more cookies,” but not when times are tough, “don’t touch that it will burn you,” than you are doing great as a parent. Don’t sweat the small stuff if this is you.

If your child refuses to listen no matter what than you might want to try rephrasing your words. Instead of saying, “Don’t eat anymore cookies,” try saying, “You can have two more cookies after you do ….” Some children react negatively towards a negative statement but positively towards a positive statement.

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Punishment used under Creative Commons License from flickr user uyen.tran

Why wont my parents let me stay up late?

– Mike G, Tampa FL

Thank you for bringing this question to my attention Mike. Back when I was a young boy I often complained at how mean my parents were for not letting me stay up late to watch TV or play video games.

Back then video games were no where near as much fun as what we have today. The video game console in my house was Pong. That’s right it was Pong and it only played Pong! As for TV, you had to adjust the rabbit ears or watch what was on the one “over the air” cable channel that you had a box and a funny antenna on the roof for.

Back then there was not much worth staying up for. Today we have far more interesting (and fun) video games, a 24 hour Cartoon Network and the Internet. If I was a kid today I would put up a much bigger fight than I did back when I was a kid simply because of all the stuff to do!

In fact, one of my friends recently commented that if Pokemon existed when we were kids we would never have been so diligent in school. We would have wasted far too much time catching them all and ignored our studies.

Now that I am a father I better understand why my parents made me go to bed early. It’s not that they are trying to be mean to you but that they love you and know you.

Reasons to go to bed early
• 1. A growing body needs rest - You do most of your growing while you are sleeping. Ever wonder why you make up in the morning and your legs and feet hurt? It’s because you did some growing last night! Without adequate amounts of sleep you body will not be able to grow properly.
  
  

• 2. A tired kid is a cranky kid - Too many times I have accidentally kept my kids up too late because we got home late. The next day those kids were shot! They were tired and cranky and all together useless for anything other than sitting on the couch watching TV.
  
  

• 3. Parents need time to be alone with each other - As much as we love out kids we also love each other. Mom and dad need some time alone with each other to keep their relationship alive.

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Sleepy Subway Days used under Creative Commons License from flickr user T. Keller

What is the best game out for the Wii right now?

– Allen P, Boston MA

A lot of people joke about that. They point to the Nintendo Wii and its phenomenal success and then ask where the games are.

Like others, I also believe that Wii Sports is the reason the Wii is selling so well. Aside from that one game there are not a lot of good games for the system. You can get some great older games via the Virtual Console but those are a bit pricy to me.

I can’t tell you what the best game for the Wii is right now because people who play video games often like different things so instead I’ll list five games I consider to be good and tell you a little bit about them.

• 1. Wii Sports - This is the best family game for the Wii. I have read countless stories in the newspaper about families gathering around the Wii to play this game. It’s not just families either, even retirement homes are getting into the action and using the Wii Sports game as a recreation program.
  
  

• 2. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - This game appeals to the long time Nintendo fans. The character of Link has been a staple of Nintendo for over 20 years now. I still remember cutting my teeth on the original Legend of Zelda in the gold cartridge on my NES. You can get a good 50+ hours of enjoyment out of this one.

  Not only does the game provide many hours of enjoyment but it also has a number of optional side quests. Couple this with the “the Wii-Remote is your sword” immersive quality of the game and you will quickly realize what makes this game so much fun.
  
  

• 3. Mario Party - The essential party game from Nintendo has a new version for the Wii. Sadly it is not much better than earlier versions. In fact you would be better served to pick up an older copy of the game for the GameCube on the discount or used rack. It’s not so much that the Wii version is bad but the GameCube versions are just as good.

  Mario Party is also a game best enjoyed with the full four players. In fact, playing Mario Party is not even about the game, it’s about socializing with your friends. Think of Mario Party more as a catalyst for fun than fun itself. Oh yes, stay away from Wario Ware: Smooth Moves.
  
  

• 4. Mario Kart 64 - Yes, I know Mario Kart 64 is a Virtual Console title but it is also a great game. Yes, you could go out and buy the GameCube Double Dash version but Mario Kart 64 is great for its simplicity. Because it is a Virtual Console game you need to either purchase the over priced Classic Controller or have some GameCube controllers handy. I suggest you go with the GameCube controllers, they can be had for cheap from many used video game stores.

  Unlike Mario Party, Mario Kart 64 is not a catalyst, it’s a great game. It is somewhat pricy to get it on the Virtual Console but you are also paying for the convenience factor of having it on the Wii. I almost picked Excite Truck for the multi-player racing category of games but the multi-player in Excite Truck is terrible. Besides, you can’t shoot Koopa shells at your opponents in Excite Truck!
  
  

• 5. Rayman Raving Rabbids - There is no mini-game game that is more fun than this one. Once you complete the single player mode and unlock all of the mini-games you can make an afternoon out of challenging your friends to all manner of silly games. From the fine art of cow throwing to the insanity of shooting rabbids with your plunger gun this game just shines. The only downside to this game is that each player has to have a Wii-Remote and a nunchuk to play. Yes, it can be expensive to get the full four-player fun out of this one.

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