When to talk about sex

What do you think is an appropriate age to talk to your kids about sex? Is the age different for boys and girls? And what are some things that should be included in the discussion?

– Lori, A Cowboy’s Wife blog

It looks like someone really wants to put dad on the spot with this one! I guess I can’t just use the old standby of, “talk to your mother,” on this one.

When the time comes for you to talk to your kids you will know. Yeah, I know that may sound like a bit of a copout but every kid is different. So, how do you know when the time is right? By paying attention.

If you pay attention to your kids you will know what things need discussing and what things can wait until another day. You do not want that first talk about sex to take place while your driving your kid to an obstetrician to find out how her pregnancy is doing. Nope, you want to have the conversation near the time when they start thinking about members of the opposite sex as potential partners. Once they go past the, “ew, boys/girls are icky” phase of childhood you know the time is right.

If you find evidence of porn on your computers the time is likely past. If you find a page torn out of a nudie magazine than the time is likely right now.

If you are looking for a ballpark figure I would have to say that the onset of puberty is the time to have the talk. You want to get your information into their head before they hit the age where everything you say is wrong.

I would also have to say that you want to talk to the girls before you talk to the boys. Part of that may be bias from my being male but the biological reality is that if a pregnancy occurs it is the female that has to suffer through it. It is also likely that if your young daughter hears that one of your friends is pregnant she is likely to be interested and begin asking questions. You do not need to be graphic at this point and you can keep it to simple concepts such as man + woman = baby until they reach about age ten.

Boys are known to hit puberty a little bit later than girls and the embarrassment of puberty changing their bodies and making them awkward is often enough to keep them from chasing the girls. You do still need to talk to them and you can take this time, while they are covered in zits, to begin to explain to them about the birds and the bees.

Until your child hits puberty you can let them lead the discussion in regards to sex. If they ask you a question give them an honest answer. Don’t try to hide things and don’t over divulge either. Odds are your child is just curious for peripheral information about relationships. When they ask about where babies come from you can tell them that they grow inside a mommies body. Some kids will ask how they got there and then you can say that daddy put them there, or something along those lines. Just be careful how you phrase it or your daughter may run away when she sees her father thinking he might put one in her!

Once a child hits puberty and begins to become more aware of their changing body and hormones you need to explain more things to them. You need to explain what the sexual organs are and what they do. You need to talk about pregnancy and “safe” sexual practices. I generally believe that the father should talk to the son about sex first and the mother with the daughter. You should then ask the child if they would like the other parent to become involved in the discussion. Kids are embarrassed enough talking about sex with their parents so they may not want both of you in the room at once. Heck, I’ve got kids of my own and I still get embarrassed talking about sex with my parents!

There are also many good books on sexuality for teenagers to read. you might consider picking one up and putting it in your bookcase for your teenager to find. Don’t just give it to them because then the whole “parents are always wrong” syndrome will kick in.

One such book is How Sex Works by Elizabeth Fenwick and Richard Walker ISBN 0-7894-0634-9. The book is from 1994 and should still be available from book stores.

If you see the book has been moved than they have likely found it and read parts of it. Wait about a week after they begin reading it and then talk to them.

Don’t forget that the sex talk should not just be about the act of sex. You also need to talk to your kids about respect and relationships. You don’t want to raise a bunch of kids who think one-night-stands are normal, do you?

This might be hard if you are not happily married but you may be able to use that in the discussion. Point out to your kids how much better times have been when you are a whole family working together as opposed to one divided. Explain to your kids that sex is just the icing on the cake of a good healthy relationship. Odds are that they will not believe you until they hit age 25 or older but you need to plant those seeds while they are young.

I have known some kids that were introduced to sex at a young age by their mother showing them a book of photographs and giving them a full course on sex and sexuality that could have been taught at a university. I also know of kids that never had the talk with their parents. For the most part, the kids who had the good open relationship with their parents came out the best in life.

That’s what it is all about, keeping the relationship alive between you and your kids. Don’t dread the sex talk with your kids as it may be one of the most important bits of information you pass on to them. Having clean underwear on in case you get in a car accident is up there too, so is the one about putting the cap back on the milk.

Here is my brief synopsis of what I wrote above:

• At what age? When they are ready. Most will be early pre-teen to early teen age.
• Different ages for boys and girls? Yes, talk to the girls first.
• What topics? Aside from the basics of what the organs are and do you also need to cover respect and how relationships work. I can not stress how important it is that kids understand that sex is a byproduct of a healthy relationship and not the opposite.

Have a question for dad? Send it in!

Cleo and Fringe-Boy 2 used under Creative Commons License from flickr user orangeacid